The Italian Job

Years ago I had the fortune of spending three weeks in Vicenza Italy.  The living conditions were ok, well actually kinda of shitty but that just made it that much more memorable.  The people weren’t to bad either, only a few times did we get hissed at.  Yeah hissed, you read that right.  They would hiss like fucking cats, weird but only a couple of people did it.  This trip changed my mind about wine also.  I thought that it only came in a box.  The food, the drinks, and the experience was amazing.  I’ll try to keep the story limited to the adventures of the 4 horseman.  This is a group of characters who have been friends for long time and all have contrasting personalities.  The group consisted of the following people:  DP KILLA, TAL, CHIZ, and Myself.  I have had many nicknames along the way and depending on who I was with it could change daily.  Some include MAC, Rizza, RIZ, and later down the road Thee Time Traveler.

TAL spent most of his days laying half-naked in his bed trying to get people to look at his newly formed hemorrhoid.  It looked like a tongue sticking out of his ass.  Nasty bastard.  When you got near his sleeping area he would be lying there in his red shorts rubbing his belly and would eventually ask if you were going to finish your food.  We had to continuously give the bear food and alcohol or he would get board and start to fuck with people.

DP Killa was our designated bus driver and would spend the day driving the bus all over Italy.  He didn’t know where he was going but didn’t care.  This man is the king of spontaneous and when he gets locked onto something he just goes with it.  Normally it involves convincing me that it is a good idea and it will totally work out.  I hesitate most times but eventually give in.  If I don’t give in then he just does it anyway.

Chiz is a different animal all together.  This oversized Grasian (Greek Asian) is normally good after a work out.  Not as spontaneous but once it gets alcohol in it, it becomes an uncontrollable machine.  He has a certain smile that will indicate he is juiced up and probably going to take his shirt off.  BIG Fucker.  TAL and Chiz are notorious for there fights.  At some point TAL will either ask or let Chiz punch or slap him in the face.  The Grasian never hits him as hard as he can out of fear that he would kill him.

Then there is me, the guy that gets pulled in all different directions usually ending in doing something with DP Killa.  TAL falls asleep early, Chiz gets nuts, and DP wonders off. I usually will wonder off with DP because our personalities are so close to one another.

It didn’t take us but a couple of days to get adjusted and start venturing out finding things to get into.  The area we were staying at was very rural and there wasn’t much around us.  The building that we stayed in was about two bricks away from being condemned and had no air conditioning.  Fuck it got hot in there.  The only good part about this was that it made us go find shit to do.

The first place we checked out was a small restaurant down the street that had awesome pizza and cheap wine.  Cheap in that it didn’t cost that much.  So like the heathens that we are we all got our own pies and wine and continued to get fat and drunk.  We basically acted like typical Americans or Vikings.  I assume to most other countries there isn’t much difference between the two.  The one lesson we learned at this small establishment was that tipping was almost offensive.  So we tipped anyway.  We would spend a lot of time at this place and enjoy every night that we got to sit outside and share stories and good times.

Most days also consisted of us traveling to a local winery and filling bottle after bottle of wine up.  Again there is an incredible amount of wine there and the locals treated it like we treat soft drinks.  I thought I was doing some real work when I got a couple of 750ml Bottles filled up when a local came in with a ten gallon bottle on a push cart.  Holy Shit this dude became my idol.

We did find another restaurant along the mountain side that served some pretty awesome food.  We weren’t to sure at what we were ordering because the Chef didn’t speak English.  So we just kept agreeing with him and he just kept bringing food.  Eventually the anti-pasta, pasta, seafood, and meat would run through me.  After the third course it was time for me to shit.  So i went in side and to my amazement the toilet was a squatty potty.  I eyed this thing up for a few minutes and then decided I would take this thing on.  Basically it is a porcelain plate on the floor with grippers on each side and a whole you have to aim down.  So I got totally naked except for my sneakers and aimed as best I could.  On the positive side I didn’t shit in my sneakers.

By far our favorite place to go was called the Blue Club.  This was, how do I put it, the greatest strip club I have ever been to.  Yes I go to gentleman’s clubs.  I am a grown ass man and enjoy a good time.  Judge me I don’t care.  I will not go into all of the details of what this place has to offer but what I can tell you is that TAL had a Romanian women he told he was going to marry, Chiz owed 300 bucks at one point, DP Killa was like a 12 year old, and I may or may not have fallen in love with an Italian Girl named, oh who cares what the hell her name was she was hot.  Sorry honey but I was young and impressionable.  Tal also managed to tickle the gigantic black stripper.  Yeah he was tickling a bouncer, all these women and here this asshole is having a goddamn tickle fight.

When we weren’t causing havoc at the gentleman’s clubs we would head over to Venice.  Traveling with TAL to any historical site is a huge ass mistake.  The king of being impatient he likes to travel as quickly as possible so he can get some where to lay down and nap again.  We got of a water taxi at San Marco square and TAL’s travel guide instincts kicked in.  Now, I had never been here before so I wanted to suck in a little.  TAL had seen it already so it was off to the races for him.  The other thing was that it was pretty touristy there and the goddamn birds were flying all over you.  So we quickly started hitting the ally ways and working our way back to where we had come from.  Along the way we saw some pretty neat stuff and finally stopped an ate along our journey.  More pizza and wine for the group.  Once done it was off again.  The walk was long and it was nice just to take in all the sites and history.

Another great place to go to was Verona where there is a smaller coliseum and Juliet’s balcony.  Yup that’s right Romeo and Juliet.  This place is littered with people trying to sell you junk and gypsies trying to steal shit from you.  Once past them though this is a very pretty town and has loads of history.  I didn’t take TAL to this one so it was cool Me and DP walked all over the place and DP took pictures like an Asian Tourist.

After three weeks of eating, drinking, and traveling we found ourselves broke, tired, and loaded with awesome memories.  I saw some amazing history, a great strip club, TAL Fish hooked Chiz in his mouth, Chiz slap TAL in his face, I used a squatty potty, and watched days and days of shenanigans.  There are far more stories I could tell but can’t because I have to protect the innocent and the guilty.  Plus I think this one is long enough for now.

 

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