The Three Me’s

How the hell do I balance the three different versions of myself?  Some are now asking what the hell is this guy talking about, is he slipping into a psychotic break?  No, its not that at all, all though there are times it feels like it.  I am at a point where I am battling with three different versions of myself and I can’t choose which version I truly want to be.  The unfortunate thing is that most deal with this yet we all only want to see one version of everyone else.  I know this is confusing so far.  I will attempt to unfuck this mess in the next few paragraphs and hopefully, by the end, you will know what the hell I am trying to say.  If it doesn’t work then maybe I have completely lost my shit.

Basically, there are three versions of myself that are constantly competing with one another and I can’t settle on which one I truly want to be at all times.  There is the fun beer drinking hilarious me, the smart intelligent old soul gentlemen who give great advice me, and then the future me who is always outrunning me, he is a vision of what I want to be but is so different then the other versions I fear I will never catch him.  Yes, I also know this sounds like the speech by Matthew McConaughey, but it is not that, it is what I believe many people daydream about.

So the fun-loving beer-drinking me is also known as “Thee Time Traveler.”  This was a moniker I came up with because on occasion I blackout while drinking and wake up in the future only to hear the hilarious stories of the night that I missed.  This guy has fun, says crazy stuff and can be one of the funniest people you will ever meet.  He can be so offensive that you feel bad for laughing, but you do anyway.  This guy is great to be around but you don’t want him to have any staying power, also he doesn’t get the job done.  He tends to miss workouts, lays around on days he has shit to do.  But most people like this guy and there tends to be self-inflicted high expectations for his guy.

The positives of this guys is that we are all going to have a good time and I will be asleep before anyone else.  This guy tends to drink too fast and passes out.  But while he is awake and functioning he is hilarious.  he has the ability to a crowd together quick and is a great storyteller.  This dude is friendly and only wants to have a good time.

The negative is that he has anxiety the next day because he doesn’t know if he offended anyone, also doesn’t really like the outcome of passing out and not remembering certain events.  This sucks.  This guy is going to miss workouts, and at this point will take two or three days to get anything done because recovery ain’t what it used to be.

The smart intelligent old soul is a guy who enjoys a nice bourbon, works on his Master’s Degree, and gives out great advice.  He isn’t as funny as the previous fella but he has an old school way about him.  This one spends a lot of time thinking about future him, yet he is always to scared to pull the trigger on the advice he gives out and being able to get any closer to the future him he sees.  Slow and steady, unnerving, but a bit of a dreamer.  I spend the majority of my time as this guy.  In some aspects, this version feels like a sham and almost can’t’ wait to act like the Traveler again.  That way we are meeting the preconceived person everyone else wants.  This is, of course, all in my head.

The positives are that he is great, says nice things about people, doesn’t cuss nearly as much.  He truly enjoys happiness in others.  He is an old school man’s man in many cases.  Self-sacrificing and holds the door for everyone, comes off slightly shy, doesn’t actually talk much at all.  This one is busy thinking about the next 28 steps and trying to backward plan from there.  This one looks like something is wrong but he is just stuck in a frozen state of constant planning on more things then his brain can handle.  Maybe that could also be in the negative.

Thee you go, the negative is that this version plans to many things and actually gets stuck doing nothing, frozen in a state of planning, and that turns to anger.  “Fuck, I haven’t gotten a god damn thing done.”  This makes it harder to believe we can ever get to future self.  This guy also can be slightly boring, it takes time to get him moving, he is far more serious than the Traveler.  He has been known as no fun Rog.  He doesn’t agree to plans, doesn’t want to be spontaneous, he wants to plan, have an idea of the next ten steps, wants to be sure that the plan is solid and fail-proof before pulling the trigger on something.  He also surveys an area or room prior to letting the traveler in, he wants to make sure it’s safe for everyone and then himself.  If something is off, or someone seems off the whole thing gets shut down and it’s no fun Rog time.

Then there is future me.  Classy dresser, so much so I have spent time picking out the future wardrobe that doesn’t exist yet.  This guy doesn’t even have a defined job yet.  He wants to work in real estate, or Homeland Security, or whoever is paying him great money.  He really just wants to have some freedom each day, and not be relegated to a desk.  This guy is the perfect mix of the Traveler and the Old School fella.   Drinks but never too much, a gentleman who follows through on his own advice, and has an established personality that others rely on.  He also has finished the second book in the Novel series he keeps re-writing.  The scrambled ideas in his head have smoothed out into a clear plan.  Nothing about him will be perfect just good at hiding the imperfections in order to focus on the strengths.

The Positives of this guy is that he is a perfect blend of fun and skepticism.  He can play a room, and leave on his own accord, not being ushered into a room to pass out by 6:15.  He speaks with the intelligence he has gained, is a great storyteller without offending anyone.  He can go out and still hit the gym in the morning, he can sit and read and not blow 2 hours on X-box playing football.  He can stick to a plan rather than letting it die after just a week or two.

The negatives?  I am not sure if there are too many.  The anxiety in me tells me people will think I am a fraud, that I am trying to be someone else, that I am not fooling anyone.  They will wait in anticipation for me to relapse to the comedic form that is known for saying hilarious things and will not be taken seriously all the time.  The other negative is I don’t know if I can ever fully reach the future me, over time I have refined him so many times that he is nothing like he once was.  I think this has to be from meeting goals in my life that the future me wanted.  I bought a home, got married, had amazing kids, got a career, a degree, soon a Masters, yet I want more so much more, and no longer is it for me, it’s to show my kids what can be done.  It’s a confusing mess In the know.

These are the three personalities I deal with every day.  They blend and intertwine all the time.  Many times I have to bounce back and forth between them in order to make varying decisions.  This may be the answer to it all, maybe I will continue to move back and forth from one personality to the next like a confused chameleon.

Even in writing this I feel uncomfortable.  Everyone that knows me will be able to attest to most of what is said here.  I am as normal as normal gets for the most part as well.  I am sure that many people feel this way and I am simply trying to put it to paper, or this word doc.  I can tell you that as I have tried to figure this out I make decisions now not intentionally to better my self but to show my oldest daughter the right path.  The unintentional outcome is that it is a good decision for me as well.  I so desperately want to give her all the resources to be successful that I am willing to sacrifice some things for myself.  Nothing crazy like my own happiness or anything, it’s just that every chance I get to teach a lesson I want her to learn it.

I am beginning to think that I am no longer forming the best version of myself through me but the best version of my wife and me through our daughters.   Maybe my shipped sailed a bit but I can guide her to be the ultimate her.  Maybe, just maybe the future me isn’t me at all, it’s my daughters.  Hmmm.  Time will tell I guess.